MISSION REPORT: FORT FUBAR
(CLASSIFICATION: DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION)
SITREP: Captain America Still Waiting on AGR Control Grade to become Major America
You would think being an Avenger, single handedly defeating Hydra and winning World War II would merit a promotion in the military, but the powers that be at the fake entity with no authority over national guard troops in the 54 states and territories known as the National Guard Bureau say otherwise. “CPT Steve Rogers will get promoted when his time comes,” said the Chief of the National Guard Bureau. “We appreciate all of his hard work and dedication and are very happy to let him continue to serve in positions requiring greater rank, while adding additional responsibilities, all while paying him the same rate. It is a true testament to his abilities. But keep in mind, the most important thing an AGR officer can do in this organization is simply exist. More time in grade means better, always. Performance be damned!”
Meanwhile his Adjutant General stated that “CPT America needs continued growth and maturity at the company level. I know he was frozen for 40 something years, but should that really count as time in service?”
The TAG went on to say “Sure, he is an unstoppable fighting force for good, perhaps even the greatest soldier ever. But can he handle IPPS-A cases? Or even iPERM stuff? I think that’s what it’s called. I’m not really sure what admin weenies do. But anyway… he needs to be broadened.” “Maybe I’ll make him a BN S4?” he said while stroking his religiously exempted beard.
At the current time of this article, CPT America was 3rd in line for a Major control grade, behind a rather portly logistic branched Captain and a DEI hire who was last on the state OML (but if we didn’t hire at least one, then the Guard might get cancelled and that’s no good). Each of the freshly minted AGR COLs (who had sworn they would get out after 3 years time-in-grade) had all somehow managed to get MRD waivers. Plus, with inflation and the economy and all…you know…there was no way they could retire now, allowing upward mobility for those behind them.
CPT Rogers hopes to be promoted in time to be a field grade officer for World War III. “I want to do something truly great for my country,” Rogers stated. “Perhaps instead of advancing America’s values by winning our nations wars against our enemies, I can help out in a new way and be the first BN XO to the first self-identified “furry” BN CDR.”
Thank you for your service, Cap. You truly are the best of us.
Love this article? Great! Let me know and I’ll produce more. Hate this article? Well, it’s probably ‘cause you’re old and hate merit-based promotions. Why don’t you go ahead, respond, and let me know why I am wrong.
*This article was written by FUBAR 6. All opinions expressed in this article are that of the author. This article is not endorsed by the Department of Defense, the United States Army, or any other state or government agency. Comments to the author can be submitted below.
**This article is completely false and all satire. It was written for entertainment purposes only. None of the quotes in the article came from any real individuals.
