MISSION REPORT: FORT FUBAR
(CLASSIFICATION: TIPPY TOP SECRET)
SITREP: The Army has a LARPing Problem (That’s Live Action Role-Playing for all you non-nerds out there)
You want to drive your POV onto an Army range, but you can’t. An evil troll known as Range Control has cast a spell onto the parking lot of the weapons qual range. But lo and behold, a way to reverse the cures exist! You quickly reach for the talisman of “POV Range Pass.” Rejoice ye, for the curse has been lifted! You shall now pass (take that Gandolf) and be permitted to park thine noble steed upon the once cursed grounds reserved only for military steeds.
Now let’s analyze this. When the army tells you, you “can’t” do something, we often have to ask why. Are we dealing with a physics issue, such as “I can’t drive my POV to that range because there is a bridge that is out.” Or am I dealing with a policy issue, where someone somewhere determined that it was in the best interest of their job to limit POVs from going onto the range. We have to remember that all policy and regulations are simply fabricated. They are often well intentioned and probably for the best, but we should never just assume that they are automatically correct, or even helpful for that matter. I have seen this directly affect mission planning in combat zones where soldiers truly confused “made up army rules” to be actual limitations and constraints when planning combat missions.
When General Washington called his troops to train at Valley Forge, did they not say, “sorry Sir, but we are on Spanish Flu orders and thus cannot train, but only do biddings related to Spanish Flu.” (I witnessed this firsthand as troops were on orders for COVID-19 response but were not allowed to train or to attend IDT because of their orders status.)
Or perhaps did they say, “General Washington, I beseech thee to provide me with a GSA horse, as I cannot transport this continental congress purchased weapon via my private stallion.” This is one of my favorite Army rules, “No government weapons to be transported in a privately owned vehicle.” However, take that same F-150 that you own, put a magical GSA license plate on it and suddenly that pumpkin transforms into a beautiful carriage worthy of transporting any government armament.
So next time you run into a policy that violates the fifth principle of patrolling (which is “common sense” for all you POGs out there), don’t just roll over and take it. Question why. If the logic is solid, then drive on with your airborne mission. But if the policy is clearly faulty and harmful to mission accomplishment, suggest a solution, fix it, and in so doing, make the army better for it. Don’t be a dirty, nasty LARPer! You don’t have to have to play pretend games just because some range troll told you so. Remember your warrior ethos: I will always place the mission first, I will never accept defeat, I will never quit, I will never leave a fallen comrade. If the policy stimies the warrior ethos, then it’s not a good policy.
P.S. I wonder if it’s possible to list your POV on Turo, then rent that car through DTS, and then transport a government weapon in your own vehicle because it now assumes the liability of a GSA? I’m sure there’s an ethics violation in there somewhere, but man would you be LARPing hard!
Love this article? Great! Let me know and I’ll produce more. Hate this article? Well, it’s probably ‘cause you’re a dirty nasty LARPer more focused on policy than mission accomplishment. Why don’t you go ahead, respond, and let me know why I am wrong.
*This article was written by FUBAR 6. All opinions expressed in this article are that of the author. This article is not endorsed by the Department of Defense, the United States Army, or any other state or government agency. Comments to the author can be made below..
