Well, howdy there, partner. Fancy seeing you around these parts. A lot’s happened since your last visit. A couple of buckaroos hit it big. Oh, you didn’t hear? Well, saddle up and get ready to hear the not so tall tale of Private William J. Snuffy and Sergeant Joe S. Ragman.
The Ballad of Private William Jehoshaphat Snuffy
There once was a dashing young cowboy by the name of William Jehoshaphat Snuffy. Snuffy was tall, handsome, farm strong, and was always seen wearing a perfectly broken in white straw cowboy hat. At the tender age of 20, Snuffy decided to leave the family ranch for greener pastures in the Army National Guard. As his snake oil salesmen of a recruiter slowly slid the enlistment contract across Snuffy’s wobbly kitchen table, ole Snuff made his mark on the dotted line and off he went to basic training to learn the ways of the gun, as a newly minted Private. Upon his return, he reported to his first drill where he came across a man meaner than a rattle snake, First Sergeant “Mad Dog” McGraw. Now, First Sergeant McGraw was known to make grown men cry just for the fun of it. He said he liked the smell of tears; especially new Lieutenant tears as he thought they were the purest and tastiest. However, First Sergeant McGraw was very wise. Years of fightin’ commies had made him tough and savvy.
One day he pulled Private Snuffy in his office and said “Snuffy, the Lord did not bless you with much. You’re dumber than a box of rocks and your very existence is most likely stealing oxygen from the rest of us. Your only chance at success is to keep your head down, do what I say, and invest your gold nuggets in the Thrift Savings Plan (TSP).” Private Snuffy didn’t know enough to argue with ole Mad Dog, so he listened. He put $150 a month in his TSP in the C fund. Well, tragedy struck ole Mad Dog, and a life of living on caffeine, hate, and whiskey had caught up to him. He died shortly after. And ole Private Snuffy…well, he forgot about his TSP. But his $150 a month kept going in until he retired 20 years later. At that point, Private Snuffy had contributed $36,000 to his TSP over his 20 year career and amazingly his investment had compounded at average annual return of 10% per year, leaving him with a whopping $107,820.19. Whoo Doggy! But now that Private Snuffy was not in the Guards no more, he couldn’t and didn’t contribute another cent to that old TSP.
Now, ole Snuff was not the sharpest tool in the shed. Some would say he was a few fries short of a happy meal. In fact, he forgot he even had a TSP. One day, on his 65th birthday, a letter from the TSP came to his house. He opened up the seemingly innocent statement, when suddenly his face went white as ghost. There before him was his account balance. Snuffy’s investment continued to grow and compound at an average rate of 10% a year. Now, that $36,000 he put in wasn’t worth $107,820.19, but instead it was worth $1,168,200! Private Snuffy had struck gold! Later that day, he visited the grave of his First Sergeant, ole “Mad Dog” McGraw. “First Sergeant,” said Snuffy. “You we meaner than H-E-double hockey sticks, but boy were you right.” Snuffy slept well that night knowing that everything was going to be ok.
The Ballad of Sergeant Joe S. Ragman
Now if that story doesn’t just warm your little heart like a smooth shot of whiskey, then this next one might. This is the story of Sergeant Joe S. Ragman. SGT Ragman was a ramblin’ man born on the bayou and raised at the House of the Rising Sun. He liked his cards and shootin’ dice. He also liked his women and his whiskey. Because of this, ole Raggy was not much of a saver. In fact, he spent almost all of his money gamblin’ and treatin’ the ladies of his life to a good time. Be that as it may, SGT Ragman was still young and had plenty of time to get his life right.
At the tender age of 25, SGT Ragman got a call from his First Segreant, “Quick Draw” McGraw (ironically the twin brother of First Sergeant “Mad Dog” McGraw) saying that SGT Ragman was going on an all-expense paid vacation to Iraq; to see the world, meet interesting people, and then kill them (a rather kind euphemism for a deployment). While SGT Ragman was preparing for this bold endeavor, his First Sergeant pulled him in his office and convinced him to invest the money he normally spent on gambling and ladies. SGT Ragman was set to make a whopping $57,608 during that deployment as an E5 with no dependents and six years time in service. And he decided right then and there to save and invest $25,000 of that hard earned money during the deployment. Well sure enough he did, he saved the whole $25,000 in his TSP in the C fund.
But during this time SGT Ragman felt deprived! He was so used to spending his money on gambling and fine living that he said “to heck with all this!” In fact, SGT Ragman never saved another cent. He eventually met a fine young hussy at a local joint, settled down, got married, got divorced, got married again, got divorced again, had several children and lived a relatively rough life due to his own self infected poor choices.
One day, ole Raggy (who was now 65 years old) was walking to his mailbox wearing a robe, tighty whities, and smoking a cigarette, when he came across a suspicious letter. It was a letter from the TSP. Having forgot all about his $25,000 investment all them years ago, Raggy opened the letter and well…his face also turned white as a ghost. You see, all them years later his $25,000 investment in the C fund had compounded annually at an average rate of 10%, and when he looked at his statement balance he realized he no longer had $25,000, but that his investment was now worth $1,131,481! SGT Ragman had done it! He finally struck it rich. But it wasn’t his gambling that paid off, it was the boring investment that he had made all them years ago. SGT Ragman saw this as a sign from the Man upstairs to get his life right. And that’s exactly what he did.
Now to you. I hope you enjoyed these tales of dedication. The lesson here is that a little money saved can turn into a fortune if given the proper amount of time. Now go on, git…and start investing them hard earned gold nuggets you’ve been getting and who knows? Maybe you’ll be a millionaire one day like Snuffy and Ragman. Well Hombre, till we meet again…Adios y via con Dios.
Love this article? Great! Let me know and I’ll produce more. Hate this article? Well, it’s probably ‘cause you’re a yellowbelly city slicker. Why don’t you go ahead, respond, and let me know why I am wrong.
*This article was written by FUBAR 6. All opinions expressed in this article are that of the author. This article is not endorsed by the Department of Defense, the United States Army, or any other state or government agency. This article does not constitute financial advice. Comments to the author can be submitted below.