In a shocking yet brilliant move, the Adjutant General has changed the name of the Kentucky National Guard headquarters from the “Boone National Guard Center” to “Fort Nite.”
“We need to attract the next generation of soldiers and since we can’t seem to get these youngsters off their phones and into MEPS, we may as well capitulate to them and see if we can’t get them to play real Fortnite,” TAG said during a sweet Insta Reel which also got mad play on TikTok.
The military as a whole has struggled with recruiting over the past few years. Most blamed “wokeism,” high operational tempo, and the fact that Gen Z is the softest group of pansies to ever be raised on planet earth. Be that as it may, desperate times call for desperate measures. Fort Nite is intended to be a beacon of recruiting hope. Senior military officials within the organization said the plan is to meet this current generation where they are instead of expecting them to conform to Army norms (like all other previous generations before them). Standard army issue will now include a Meta Oculus where Gen Z soldiers can conduct Army Warrior Tasks via Augmented Reality. It will certainly cut down on the number of AWOLS as it can be done from anywhere, even places like Joint Base Livingroom-Kitchen. For those troops who wish to conduct drill “the old school way” of showing up in person, For Nite is now being equipped with safe spaces (located next to the lactation rooms) to keep new recruits from hearing anything contrary to their current (well developed based on adequate life experience) beliefs.
A spokesman for the National Guard said, “Fort Nite is going to be a completely different military experience. Plus, we are pretty sure that someone somewhere will find that at some point in history Daniel Boone most likely said something or did something disparaging toward someone or some group, and we will have to rename the base anyway. We might as well get ahead of it and get some recruits in the meantime.”
At the current time of this article, soldiers on post were seen practicing their various Fortnite dances as part of the new drill and ceremonies requirements.
Love this article? Great! Let me know and I’ll produce more. Hate this article? Well, it’s probably ‘cause you’ve never played Fortnite (which is totally awesome). Why don’t you go ahead, respond, and let me know why I am wrong.
*This article was written by FUBAR 6. All opinions expressed in this article are that of the author. This article is not endorsed by the Department of Defense, the United States Army, or any other state or government agency. Comments to the author can be submitted below.
**This article is completely fake and satirical. None of the individuals or positions quoted actually said any of this stuff.